When talking about love and marriage, we talk a lot about chemistry. It’s the stuff that makes sparks fly, and it is undeniably important. But if chemistry alone was enough, why bother with the formalities of marriage? If chemistry is everything, then there is no need for any papers. All we would need to truly hold this partnership in a tight bond would be the truth of this love. Why drag in families, children, and a lifetime of commitment? While chemistry may set the stage, marriage is where the plot thickens.
Marriage is a powerful contract, but it is not for everyone. Not every relationship needs the weight of marriage behind it, and not everyone has the capacity to understand what they are signing up for when they sign that dotted line or say in the presence of almighty “I do”, the covenant of our marriage vows. All sorts of compatibility aside, there is a societal expectation that marriage plays a fundamental role in a family structure. If marriage is dysfunctional, society feels the strain.
So what is the problem? We’ve diluted the meaning of marriage by slapping a single label on it while allowing dozens of different meanings to fall under the same umbrella. After all, if sexuality has many names and terms, why do personal relationships have only one name: MARRIAGE? Words have power, and when we water down what marriage is supposed to mean we create confusion and abuse. These days, different people have different expectations, and oftentimes different interpretations of the same contract that is supposed to represent lifetime fraternity. It’s a recipe for disaster, there are some who treat marriage like a revolving door, and others ride or die to uphold “till death do us apart.” Marriage impacts everyone in the family emotionally and financially, as it is a legal union, to protect human rights of all the family members; this contract needs to hold exactly the same meaning in all its finer details for all the parties who are privy to it. This contract needs to define all the parties and their rights in fine details. So to protect everyone’s rights, let’s define the finer details. Furthermore, marriage as a legal contract needs to be very clear and not left to varied interpretations. This becomes a costly and emotionally draining dragged out court drama impacting not only the couple but the children and any other family member that is under the care of the two main individuals. There needs to be reparations. The parties who did not break the contract need to be made whole by the party at fault.
Moreover, if we are constantly questioning what is expected from marriage, isn’t that we should define different expectations with different names? Transparency is key, if we are not transparent with ourselves and our partner, how can we possibly fulfill the promises that are inherent in the contract? Lets be clear and honest about what we are signing up for. If you want a contract that doesn’t involve lifetime commitment, don’t dress it up as marriage. Call it something else like the French PACS (Civil Pack of Solidarity), which is a legally recognized partnership without lifelong commitment.
In addition to creating more terms for marriage, it is important that people be fully examined to see that they understand the meaning of marriage, and they are capable of following through with that commitment. If there has to be checks when we adopt a dog or a child, why not the same thing for marriage? Afterall, both are big decisions as it impacts the family at large as screening is demanded for protection of rights of children and pets in the family.
Marriage is a contract, so this contract cannot be a hotch-potch of many types of commitments or lack of. One cannot get into a contract of any kind without fully understanding what is in the contract, and that kind of understanding can only exist with maturity of the mind and an unambiguousness of the contract.
So how can someone fulfill this contract? It is easier to give commitment by not oppressing yourself. Fidelity doesn’t mean losing your independence, you should be responsible, not tied. Though marriage requires you to love and value your partner, it doesn’t mean that you should not also have space for other types of love and relationships. If we refer back to ancient Greek philosophers, they said that there are seven types of love. There is eros, a romantic and sexual love. Pragma, a practical love that is based on compatibility and shared goals. Storge, a love shared between a family. Agape, a universal love for nature and strangers. Philautia, a love for the self based on compassion and kindness. Philla, a love found in friendships. And ludus, a flirty and noncommittal love. Though fidelity would limit some forms of love such as eros and ludos, there is still room for these other relationships. There is nothing wrong with having friends, even ones of the opposite sex. We have the freedom to experience many types of relationships, so that we haven’t stopped living or evolving as human beings within the limits of existing responsibilities of fidelity to our family.
However, it becomes a problem when we don’t uphold our fidelity towards the family. This violates not only the rights of the grieved spouse, but also the children, and close relatives that have an emotional or financial dependence on our family unit. When you do not spend time or money on your family due to excessive self-indulgence of any forms of gratification such as sexual liaisons, substance abuse, or irresponsible spending, etc., it violates the rights of all family members without their consent.
Marriage is not just about the two people getting married, it’s a binding of two families, a partnership, a union, a combining of resources and responsibilities.
This is especially important when considering children, they do not choose to be born into your marriage. They did not sign up for your partnership, but they are nonetheless there, and they deserve some serious consideration. Afterall, your children, your grandchildren-will undeniably be impacted by your contract in ways that you can’t even imagine. For example, children learn from their parents, and having a relationship that puts one partner at a disadvantage could lead to damage that transcends generations. If a child sees that one parent is put at a disadvantage, they may behave badly or accept the bad behavior.
To further address today’s heightened independence of sexual freedom, it is important to acknowledge the impact that things like polyamory, open marriages and sex workers and porn have on the family. If you are not committed to just one person, but to multiple relationships, when will you have time for your family and children? There are many other risks too: diseases, emotional burnout, and the inability to properly fulfill the demands of each relationship. Each of these risks will affect the family and children, so it is important to consider them before such hedonistic behaviors. Such an abandonment of the children can cause lasting psychological damage, even showing up as physical health issues in the form of autoimmune diseases, etc.
How do we protect everyone’s human rights in the family established through a marriage contract of a couple? We are talking about everyone’s rights, the couple who creates a unit and the immediate relations and of course the children who depend on this unit for their vital care and wellbeing. The contract of this union has to be defined without any ambiguity. Thus the marriage has to have a very defined meaning. And it needs to come with a written document, such as a pre-nup, this is in line with when you set up a company or create a joint partnership you define that union and have a well defined course of actions in case such a union is dissolved. People must be judged if they have the ability to understand this union and have the ability to follow through its demands on them. Though some may argue that marriage is part of their private life, I argue that it is in line with us writing our will and incapacitation documents so we can give full direction to such personal life matters without any undue otherside influence.
So next time you ask, “What’s love got to do with it?”One type of love is emotions, which we can act on without requiring any effort, so that means love does not need marriage. “But it is all about love, because the love of our family requires wisdom to see the needs of others and our willpower to act on the call of this love to put the needs of the family over our own. Love is a verb, it calls us to our duty of honor to our family.
-Sonia Dhillon